A nifty satire from alt.kill.the.whales, most of whose posters come >from the .no domain. Newsgroups: alt.kill.the.whales
Ban on Harvesting of Norwegians ends.
Brussels - The European Commission, the governing body of
the European Union, has decided to reopen the hunt on
Norwegians after nearly a decade long ban. Especially Swedish
hunters had been pressuring Brussels to lift the ban. It was
they say a traditional activity and the livelihood of many
hunters depended on it.
Animals rights activists opposed the lifting of the ban,
claiming that the species had not yet fully recovered from
previous hunting. But specialists put their numbers at
approximately 4 million, enough they say to justify a limited
harvest. The quota set by the commission calls for no more
than 20.000 catches. Hunters may not wound more than 1
Norwegian per 2 killed.
Pregnant females, will not be counted double, but the
commission calls on hunters to avoid hunting pregnant females
as this might endanger the size of next year's quota.
Scientist rejected claims the species was actually able to
communicate, and said that noises made by domesticated samples
of the Norwegian species amounted to meaningless babble.
Several years ago the species seemed to be developing certain
abilities under intensive training by humans, but the species
has suffered from a rare case of negative evolution and has
since lost all cognitive capabilities.
Animal rights activists claim however that we are simply
not yet capable to understand their mutterings. Prof. Rigor
Mortis told this newspaper "If the species would have the
slightest meaningful ability to communicate they'd have been
able to talk with us a long time ago."
Questioned about the unbearable noise made by Norwegians
when slaughtered prof. Rigor Mortis described it as "not
dissimilar to that of slaughtering a pig."
Animal rights activists also question the hunting
techniques, saying that death was not immediate. The technique
requires skill. Usually hunters put bottles of cheap imported
Russian vodka by the side of a street and wait patiently for a
Norwegian to show up and drink the contents of the bottle. "It
makes it less painful for them." explained one hunter.
Then while the Norwegian is in a state of drunkenness, the
trick is to approach them in a fast car, so that they do not
notice what is happening and harpoon them. The harpoon is
tipped with a grenade. Once harpooned the Norwegian is dragged
behind the car until the hunters manage to reduce speed.
Once stopped one hunter will leave the car with a rifle
and shoot a bullet through the head to insure the death of
their catch.
Russia was also optimistic about the new measure since it
would increase their vodka exports and bring valuable hard
currency into the country. Russia has been suspected of
poaching on Spitsberg and in the north of Scandinavia but has
claimed only to have hunted a sample for scientific research
although they couldn't specify what scientific discoveries had
actually been made as pregnancy rates and other facts were
already well researched in previous years.
Vice-President Al Gore of the United States has threatened
to use sanctions against the European Union, but it is widely
believed that economic interests are too important to have it
come to that. One Clinton administration official said "It's a
sad day but we will probably overlook the matter."
Exactly how the quota will be divided between, Swedish,
Danish, German, Dutch and British hunters has not yet been
determined. Some more horse trading is expected on this issue,
but it is widely believed that Sweden will get the biggest
share.
Chinese have shown great interest in the reproductive
organs as they hold that, marinated and cooked in the right
way, eating them has certain properties stimulating ones
sexual appetite. Western doctors rejected this claim as "pure
nonsense, the organs are simply too small."
But most importantly this decision will certainly create
lots of jobs, giving the economy another shot in the arm and
has therefore been welcomed by trade unions.
NHS - reporting
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Jesper Nilsson // dat92jni@ludat.lth.se or jesper@df.lth.se