I caught the Bacon Sandwiches' gig on the Whack Flapjack show. Whack's guests that evening were child star Macaulay Culkin, dissatisfied columnist Standwick Mushmeyer, and musical guests the Bacon Sandwiches. Basically after the interviews the BS came out and sang "Doody Doody Doody", after which the following exchange occurred: KAJ: Thank you. Thank you. [ applause dies down ] WHACK: So, when are you going to do your song? STEVE: That was our song. LAURA: It was my idea. WHACK: That was no song. That was just all five SPATCH: - three, sir - WHACK: - seven of you shouting "Doody doody doody" at random intervals. LAURA: It was my idea. KAJ: Well, you see, Whack, that's the general idea of the song. LAURA: Mine. KAJ: Yeah, Laura's. We felt that by shouting "doody doody doody" at random intervals, rather than, say, whispering it, we could achieve an effect that somehow is like the new capybarian style of music. SPATCH (to STANDWICK MUSHMEYER): Hi there. STANDWICK: Uh, hi. WHACK: The capybarian style? LAURA: It was my idea. JASON: No it wasn't, it was Matthew MacIntyre's idea. WHACK: Wasn't he on the New Kids on the Block? SPATCH: You mispronounced "Joe McCarthy". Hope this helps. STEVE: Basically the capybarian style of music is somewhat like house, building, Mentos and industropoop all rolled into one. You get your rabid Luddite fans, you get your devout rasta followers and you also get the tonedeaf all enjoying the work. WHACK: So you're doing this to gain new fans, are you? SPATCH: You mispronounced "selling out." Hope this helps. KAJ: No, Spatch, wait, we're not selling out. To sell out we'd have to latch onto a popular music form. SPATCH: Oh. WHACK: So, I hear it's customary for one of you guys to get smashed before interviews. LAURA: It was my idea, but only if it's soy milk. WHACK: Riight. So, which one of you is it this time? JASON: Can't you tell? WHACK: Uh, no. JASON: We thought it'd be inherently obvious. WHACK: You all got me unless Blandford comes out with the Whack-Y Breathalyzer test! KAJ: BREATHALYZER?! OH SHIT!!! [ runs out of the studio screaming ] SPATCH (to STANDWICK): So, what's in your mug? STANDWICK (stiffly): Water. You? SPATCH: TRUE YETI. WHACK: I think I know who's drunk. JASON: Wrong! WHACK: But I haven't guessed yet! JASON: You'd still be wrong. None of us is drunk. STEVE: Yet. LAURA: Bruce is. WHACK: Bruce? STEVE: Sandy?! WHACK: Who's Bruce? JASON: He's not here. SPATCH: Hey, can Florence Henderson bring out a Brady Bunch board game for me, too? [ STANDWICK drinks out of SPATCH's cup, his eyes roll in the back of his head ] WHACK: No. Who's Bruce? STEVE: Bruce is our Auxiliary Band Member. He's currently dead right now but he's recuperating and should be back for our Spring 96 tour of Mesopotamia. LAURA: It was my idea. VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: We want Macaulay Culkin! STEVE: Shut up! WHACK: Well, what's next for the Bacon Sandwiches? SPATCH: Well, we're currently negotiating the rights to do a rock opera based on the book "How to make Millions of Dollars, Tax-Free, While Simultaneously Finding Your Ideal Mate and Achieving Perfect Health". JASON: It's very visionary, very surreal. LAURA: It was my idea. SPATCH: And after that we're off to sunny Nepal to shoot our latest video "Phil". WHACK: I think you're lying. [ STANDWICK takes another swig out of SPATCH'S cup, grimaces, and finishes it. ] STEVE: Hey, man, we don't question your work. JASON: Actually, I do. What were you thinking when you filmed "Disco Avenger?" WHACK (nervously): Hey, now, everybody's got their bad career moves... JASON: Yeah, but a crimefighter who fights crimes in a big white polyester leisure suit with the Big Ugly Medallions of Truth? Come on! WHACK: I needed the money. It was either that or star in another disaster epic with Shelley Winters. SPATCH: I think I saw that one. You were real convincing as the Furniture Magnate whose carelessness destroys an entire city. WHACK: That wasn't me, that was Leslie Nielsen! STEVE: It's all right, we forgive you. Not. STANDWICK (very drunkenly swaggers right up to WHACK): I don't fergive you, Mishter Flapjack... I can't shtand you! Do you unmember me? WHACK: With breath like that, it's a wonder I haven't. STANDWICK: Do you remember a game show sheveral yearz back called "Was It Red?" I wash on it and I LOST! WHACK: That's "Is It Red?" and I can see why you lost. STANDWICK: You publicly humiliated me! You called me all shorts of names and taunted me jusht because I wouldn't play along with your sick, perverted fantashies! WHACK: Hey, now, answering questions correctly isn't quite "playing along with my sick, perverted fantasies." STEVE: It is if the question was "Will you make hot mango love to me while we listen to Debby Boone?" WHACK: Stay out of this, vehement sackboy. SHTANDWICK: I've been waiting all these yearsh sho that I could exact my revenge... and now I CAN! HAHAHAHAH! [ points his finger at WHACK ] You're my hostage now or else I'll let you have it! [ jabs finger menacingly ] WHACK: Uh, that's not a gun, that's your finger. STANDWICK (breaking down and weeping): Oh, what'sh the use? I can't even brandish a weapon correctly. I'm jusht a pathetic peon of the journalistic society we live in today. JASON: Oh, come on, sir, you're not that pathetic. I mean, look at Spatch. 6 years in the music business and he's still doing backup vocals for Ace of Base. SPATCH: HEY!!! STANDWICK: I guess you're right. I'm not all that bad. It's just that every time I try to gain the public eye I end up looking like a total, utter, stupid, smegging SCHNOOK! [ STOCKDALE the CLOWN runs in all of a sudden, holding three keylime pies, and bashes them in STANDWICK's face. He then sprays STANDWICK with seltzer, rum and coke, and bacon, while singing the aria to La Boheme. Afterwards he picks up STANDWICK and throws him down a prop laundry chute marked "TO HELL" and then stands as if waiting for something. ] WHACK: He said "schnook", not "book". STOCKDALE: Oh, I guess I had my hearing aid turned off for a moment there. STEVE: Wha?! LAURA: That wasn't my idea. WHACK: Well, we'll be right back with the Bacon Sandwiches and our special guest Macaula - [ KAJ re-enters holding MACAULAY CULKIN'S head on a pike, MACAULAY'S face is frozen in his famed "oh no!" expression. ] KAJ: Sorry, I slipped while backstage... [ pandemonium ensues as the crowd mobs the stage and firehoses are deployed. ]
Jesper Nilsson // dat92jni@ludat.lth.se or jesper@df.lth.se