Subject: Bacon Sandwiches FAQ 10/24 part one

Date: 24 Oct 1994 14:48:24 -0500

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      Official Info and FAQ for The Bacon Sandwiches. 
              Or: "Put down that Question!"

       Update Two Dot One Dot Three Dot Six and a Half
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If you've been lucky enough to avoid them thus far, we'd like
you to step on the toes of The Bacon Sandwiches: alt.stupidity's 
STUPIDEST BAND!

This guide was compiled by Jason Nafziger from various official 
sources, namely himself, Spatch, Steve Heckman, Jesper Nillson
and Kaj Groner. Any corrections or additional information should 
be shoved up YourCrack@ass.com. Thanks!!

Access the Bacon Sandwiches WWW page. I dare you. There's not much 
there now but just you wait. 
http://hopper.itc.virginia.edu/~kaj/Bacon-Sandwiches.FAQ.html

The following questions may or may not be answered in this file:

1) Who are the Bacon Sandwiches?
2) Why are the Bacon Sandwiches?
3) What do the Bacon Sandwiches do?
4) How are they?
5) When will the new single be released so I can request that my 
local station not play it?
6) Why did the chicken cross the road?
7) [Question Seven has been stolen]
8) What is question number eight?
9) What makes question nine different and/or better than qestion eight?
10) Is this really question ten, or is it question eleven trying to slander
the good name of question ten?
11) I resent that.

Other information:

Complete (or not) Bacon Sandwiches Discography
Lyrics as close as we can tell
Tour dates
Official (read: Drunken) Interviews with band members.
The Transcipt of the "Three Full Minutes..."  Session

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FAQ
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1) WHO are the Bacon Sandwiches?

The Bacon Sandwiches are a bunch of stupid people who get together
and attempt to make music by playing with various instruments, banging on
drums, and sometimes electrocuting themselves while gargling with Listerine
(if that'll be musical).  They've been together for -354125 years, during
which time they've spent extensive seconds, maybe even minutes refining
their musical genius with just a dollup of butter.


The Bacon Sandwiches are as follows:

"Drivethruman" Jason on keyboards
Steve "Oomph" Heckman on vehement guitar
Spatch "No stupid middle name" on washboard
Laura "Soygirl" Z. on something that looks like several strings attached
        to a marble statue
Ray "Gerald" Crossdale accompanied by Bruce
Sandy?
Kaj "Moaner" Groner on the phone
Jesper "I Write the Songs that Make the Whole World Wretch" Nillson on 
        something whose name escapes me at this time
Dave "Hit the" Rhodes on flamebait
Myterious "Lurking" Presence in the corner
"The Professor" and Mary "Ann" here on Gilligan's Isle
No One "You'd" Know on meaningless vocals
Scarecrow's brain
Two pickles and chopped onions
Last-night's leftovers
Caged animals
An albino 
A mulatto 
A mosquito 
My libido
A partridge in a pear tree

and many other people too numerous to munch.


2) WHY are the Bacon Sandwiches?

Because, you narrow-minded dolt.

3) WHAT do the Bacon Sandwiches do?

Post to five million damn newsgroups shamelessly self promoting themselves
and their music. Most of the members are currently offering squeegy service
at a stoplight near you. Kaj can be found roaming aimlessly through the back 
alleys of America from midnight to five.

The Bacon Sandwiches have been bumped from over seventy-nine thousand
national television appearances in a little under three days. Sometimes,
when they're really bored (read: always), the Bacon Sandwiches will march
down the street shooting unsuspecting squirrels (also chipmunks, regular monks,
constipated monks, lemmings, lymes, etc.) with sawed-off shotguns. They also 
enjoy Quik.

The Bacon Sandwiches claim to have 500 zillion gigs under their collective
belts when in actuality this number is about 3. And even that's probably
stretching it a little.

However, they are pleased to announce the kickoff of their Fall '94 Tour,
titled the "Put Down That Ticketmaster Rep Tour":

OCT 29: West Overton, IL - Bob's Deli  [CANCELLED]
OCT 30: West Overton, IL - K-Mart Parking Lot [SOLD OUT]
OCT 31: Littleview Community Haunted House "Spook-N-Roll" Concert
NOV 02: Benefit Concert for the Bruce Memorial Foundation -- whereabouts unknown
NOV 04: Slimy Falls, Wisconsin "Cicada Days"
NOV 09: Lakewood Middle School Car Wash [CANCELLED]
NOV 12: Billy Hufnagel's 8th Birthday Party
NOV 19: The Public Hanging of Martin Guerre
NOV 22: Phil's Phabulous Phrankfurters Grand Re-Opening
NOV 30: 40,000 feet somewhere over Senegal
DEC 03: The mystery date [STILL ON -- or is it?]

Watch for the immediate release of a live triple CD entitled "Put
Down That Shameless Cash-In" and the official concert video "Put Down That
Betacam Before We Call Security"!!!!!

4) HOW are they?

Very fine, thank you.

5) When will the new single be released so I can request that my local
station not play it?

The Bacon Sandwiches will not be releasing any new singles, 'cause they think 
that will make them cool like Pearl Jam. The Bacon Sandwiches are constantly 
trying to be cool like Pearl Jam. Why do you think they named themselves after 
a food product?

6) Why did the chicken cross the road?

Shut up, dolt.

7) [STOLEN]

8) What is question number eight?

Question eight is none of your damned business.

9) What makes question nine different and/or better than qestion eight?

Boy, you are REALLY a friggin' dolt, aren't you?

10) Is this really question ten, or is it question eleven trying to slander
the good name of question ten?

Actually, it's question twelve trying to get question eleven in trouble with
question ten. So plot that one on your Cartesian graph.

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DISCOGRAPHY
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(Oct. 1984)
"Put Down That Ping-Pong Paddle" - Their first LP.  Contains the hit singles
"What Thing?" and "You're Silly". Also contained the hidden track: "That 
Capybara Smells Like Vomit," which despite Kaj's delusions never became a
hit until Nirvana ripped it off.

(Oct. 1987)
"Squishy Can" - Their next LP which contained the hits "Squishy Can" and
"DOODY DOODY DOODY." Widely hailed as their second album yet.

(Nov. 1987)
"Put Down That B-Side" - B-Sides collection featuring the only one of the
four songs written for the first record that just wasn't good enough, 
"MAKE.MONEY.FAST", as well as a special hidden bonus track ("Blaaaaaaah") 
that's harder to find than Waldo.

(Also Nov. 1987)
"The Bacon Sandwiches Boxed Set" - This is a fourteen disc, four-hundred 
dollar collection featuring most of the first album and none of the second, 
plus a previously unreleased recording of Jason and Spatch's tour-de-force
collaboration, "Three Full Minutes of Belching of Laughing," with special 
guest vocalist, Carnie Wilson!!!

(Apr. 1988)
"This?" - A special-edition single released to show what the Bacon Sandwiches
had been doing up until now. This was the only thing they could come up with
and it was written over lunch on recording day. Also includes a live version
of the song, plus seven remixes that sound exactly the same as original.

(Jul. 1990)
"Heckzapoppin'" - A five song CD sampler which includes the never-before
released song entitled "I Don't Think This Microphone Is Working" as well
as the infamous Blooper Reel - yes, 45 minutes of your favorite Bacon Sandwiches
members walking into nonfunctional turbolift doors.  You've seen it at Cons
everywhere, now own this treasured piece of rock and roll memorabilia before
Planet Hollywood tries to buy it.

(Aug. 1993)
"Put Down That Electricity" - The Bacon Sandwiches' unplugged set which never
aired on MTV. Features acoustic versions of "DOODY DOODY DOODY," "Put Down That
Ping-Pong Paddle" (featuring a ping-pong paddle as the only instrument), "I
Don't
Think This Microphone Is Working," and "Blaaaaaaah."

(Unreleased)
"Demo for Demonstrating" - Unreleased demo tape with "Up Your Butt and
Around the 
Corner" and a new live version of "Qwik-N-Ez Grammar-Meter Flamage Guide." 
Don't forget, the Bacon Sandwiches want your money!!

So come on and bite the Bacon Sandwiches!!!!

(That's the next album due out.  Cum On Bite the Bacon Sandwiches.)

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LYRICS
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Album: Put Down That Ping-Pong Paddle
Song: What Thing?

What thing?
I don't see a thing here
What thing?
Might you be referring to that stuff there?
Obviously, that's more than a thing,
It looks like stuff to me
Moron

What thing??
What thing??
WHAT THING????

MORON!!!!


Song: You're Silly

I know you and I think you are
Something that rhymes with Billy
And when someone mops the vomit out of this here car
I'm really gonna let YOU HAVE IT

I thought I recognized that ugly face
It belongs to the aforementioned you
And when someone helps me stand still in one place
I'm really gonna let YOU HAVE IT

You're silly!!!
You're silly!!!
You're silly!!!
You're silly!!!
And I'm drunk...
(repeat)

I've seen you 'round here before
And I've got one thing to say
And when someone picks my drunk ass up off the floor
I'm really gonna let YOU HAVE IT


Song: Put Down That Ping-Pong Paddle

Put down that Oreo
Put down those Pick-up Sticks
Put down that orange yo-yo 
Put down that ugly chick

Put down that ping-pong paddle
Put down that ping-pong paddle
Put down that ping-pong paddle
Put down that...
Put IT DOWN!!!!

Put down that larval ooze
Put down those Fruedian slips
Put down those those blue suede shoes
Put down that bag of chips

Put down that ping-pong paddle
Put down that ping-pong paddle
Put down that ping-pong paddle
Put down that...
Put IT DOWN!!!!

Put down that dodecahedron
Put down that bowl of mud
Put down that road map, you heathen
Put down those suds

Put it down, down now
Put it down, down now
Put it down, how now
Put it down, brown cow


Song: That Capybara Smells Like Vomit

Load up on bacon, bring your friends
It's fun to sculpt Spam into rear-ends
She's overboard, she's overboard
She's overboard, or did I mention that?

Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?
Hello? Hello? HELLO?? HELLO??
HELLLLLLOOOOOO!!!???!! HELLO?!?!????!!
HEY!!!!

With the lights out, I stubbed my toe
Here we are now, give us Jell-O
I feel stupid, but you are though
Here we are now, give us Jell-O
An albino, a mullato
A pinata, two burittos (to go!)

I'm worst at what I do worst
I don't care if you said it first
Our little group sucks like hell
'Cuz we don't try to rhyme too good

Mello Yello, Mello Yello
Jello, Jello, Jello, Jello
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?
BLAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

With the lights out, I stubbed my toe
How now brown cow, Mello Yello
I feel stupid, can't play cello
How now brown cow, where's Otello?
A fat wino, a chilito
Manicotti, Danny DeVito (Hey!)

And I forgot my name again
I guess I'll ask one of my friends
I found it hard, it was soft when I lost it
Oh well, who really gives a shit?

Hello, hello, oh screw it, you get it by now!!!

With the lights out, I tripped and fell down the stairs
Here we are now, give us gummi bears
I feel stupid, give me gummi bears
Here we are now, yeah, I still want those gummi bears

HEY!!!!


Album: Squishy Can
Song: Squishy Can

Squishy can tie his own shoes
Squishy can make sugar cookies
Squishy can buy his own booze
Squishy can find his own bookies

Yeah, Squishy can
But he don't want to right now
Right now he's a little bit busy
Right now he's making himself dizzy
Yeah, Squishy can
But he don't want to right now
Right now he's tied up at the moment
Right now he'd rather be driving a Buick

Squishy can find his socks in the dryer
Squishy can make up his own mind
Squishy can play around with fire
Squishy can make himself go blind

Yeah, Squishy can
But he doesn't quite feel up to it
Right now he's sick with the plague
Right now he smells like bad eggs
Yeah, Squishy can
But he doesn't quite feel up to it
Right now he's dead in his grave
Right now he's trying to eat

Yeah, Squishy can
Yeah, Squishy can
Yeah, Squishy can
Yeah, Squishy can


Song: DOODY DOODY DOODY

Doody Doody Doody
Doody Doody Doody
Doody Doody Doody
Doody Doody Doody
Doody Doody Doody
Doody Doody Doody
Doody Doody Doody
Doody Doody Doody
Doody Doody Doody

Doody!!!


Song: Talking in Front of My Back

Oh...been a victim of slanderous attack
All the while they were talking in front of my back
Oh...I wouldn't mind
If they were behind (my back)
But I find that it's really rather rude
When you're talking...
When you're talking...
In front of my back

Oh...been a victim of bacon-induced heart attack
All the rumors floated right in front of my back
Oh...I wouldn't care
If they were not there (my back)
But, you see, my back can hear you
When you're talking...
When you're talking...
In front of it

Oh...been a victim when the bus got hit from the back
All the while they were talking in front of my back
Oh...it wouldn't be so bad
If you weren't a dumbass
But I think that you are when you are
When you're talking...
When you're talking...
Period


Album: This? Special Edition Single
Song: This? [Recorded LIVE]

There must,
There must be,
There must be something,
There must be something else,
There cannot be just this,
Something you will not miss.

It's impossible,
Incredible,
Stupendously STUPID!
THERE HAS GOT TO BE SOMETHING ELSE!!!

But it does not look that way,
What do you say?
I cannot see that this should be all,
This empty wall.
That this is really...
...IT???...

It's impossible,
Incredible,
Stupendously STUPID!
THERE HAS GOT TO BE SOMETHING ELSE!!!

I feel so very unclean,
As if an Capybara I've seen
Nothing is remotely witty,
Except perhaps this little ditty.

Must be on Alt.Stupidity...
Must be on Alt...
Must be...

...and bacon.

(Song ends in spectacular fireworks as someone pukes into a speaker)


Album: Heckzapoppin'
Song: I Don't Think This Microphone Is Working

I don't think this microphone is working
It's turned on but I think
I think
I think it's broken
It's definitely on but I think
I think
I think it's BROKEN

No, this microphone is certainly flawed
There's no way that it could possibly be working
If it is then my name is Judy
Which, by the way, it's not so I guess that means
That means
That means

I don't think this microphone is working
I've been fiddling with it for some time
It's turned on but I think
I think
I think it's broken
It's on it's on but I think
I think
I think
I think

I don't think it's working


Album: Demo for Demonstrating
Song: Up Your Butt and Around the Corner

Where's Dan Quayle?
Where's your mom?
Where's everybody?
... where's Tom?
 
Up your butt, it's not hard to mention
Up your butt, it's not hard to clean
Up your butt and around the corner 
Take a right - and there's your spleen

[incomplete, that's all we have now, OKAY???]


Song: Qwik-N-Ez Grammar-Meter Flamage Guide
Recorded LIVE at the Newport.

Listen to the wisdom of Alt.Stupidity:
-1 for stupid or misspelt username,
-5 for poorly-attributed quoting,
-5 for beginning of sentence not capitalized,
-5 for two words puttogether

(Chorus)
Use the Qwik-N-Ez Flamage Guide,
Do not let your grammar slide,
or Spatch will flame your hide...

On Alt.Stupidity...rules the really witty
and if you're offended, TOUGH TITTY!

Dum-De-Dum...

-10 for apostrophes werent used,
-10 for two sentences not spaced properly,
-10 for a comma was used wrong,
-20 for run-on sentences are used you will get penalized if you use them!,
-20 for pathetic attempt at argument / rhetoric,

(Chorus)

-25 for not capitalizing the I in Internet,
-25 for referring to a "newsgroup" as a forum, BBS, area, room,
-25 for making lame "Information Superhighway" metaphor,
-25 for poster begins follow-up with obscenity,
-25 for excessive use of smileys,

(Chorus)

-25 for flaming someone whose smiley has/doesn't have a nose,
-25 for excessive use of obscenity,
-30 for so much obscenity it'd make a drill sergeant blush,
-30 for attempt to disguise obscenity with ASCII,
-50 for misspelt obscenity,

(Chorus)

-50 for posing a question but not using a question mark,
-50 for excessive use of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,
-50 for poorly-attempted forge,
-75 for referring to the Internet as "The Information Superhighway",
-75 for confusing the USENET with the Internet,

(Chorus)

-75 for SHOUTING THE ENTIRE POST,
-100 for quoting a long article only to add one line at the end,
-100 for any time the lines of the poster's .sig is greater than the post,
-100 for writing a follow-up with no quotes and no context,
-100 for referring to the Internet as "The Infobahn",

(Chorus)

-100 for flamebait so obvious even Andrew Beckwith wouldn't bite,
-100 for asking "I know this question is in the FAQ..."
-X for general cluelessness,

And remember, this song is not to nitpick on slip-ups,
But to thrash the flagrant violators.

Endfile, Endfile, Endfiiiillleeeee.

(Song ends in chaos as the audience attacks the band...)