---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 31 Oct 94 11:25:59 -0500
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2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
682 100 votes hsop6 eoEh5 8pumf beokv 1biHr 3afsI wsoc4 cmrqd eArk3 pkvi6
682 3.0 mean 2.8 2.8 3.1 3.5 3.8 4.0 2.3 3.1 2.6 2.6
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 31 Oct 94 11:26:09 -0500
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men, > > Who is the president of Canada? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A tough question, indeed. What evil DOES lurk in the hearts of men who } is the president of canada? } } Well, it has been argued that a number of Canadian presidents have, in } fact, not been men but alien invaders. These short, black eyed } politicians with long fingers have ruled canada for centuries, } determined to muck up politics as much as possible. Led by Brian "ha } they think i'm really a human" Mulroney, the Canadian presidents have } silently put Canada in a position to rule the world. } Look at it this way..you tick off canada, no Canadian Bacon, eh? } Attempts have been made to tie the bacon conspiracy to the moose } rebellion and the mounty round-up of 1932, but at present no acceptable } theory has been proposed. In addition, while the "lone logger" theory } is a favorite of conspiracy freaks, there exists at current time no } evidence indicating that the tree in question was anything but a tree. } } you owe the oracle the world series pennant. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 31 Oct 94 11:26:10 -0500
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why am I here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stop asking questions! Just stand right there on the center of the "X" } and keep your mouth shut! Let's see now...the candle flame burns the } rope...the rope breaks, lands on the teeter-totter...HEY! DON'T LOOK } UP, EITHER!! There's nothing interesting dangling from that cable above } you. Okay...the teeter-totter flips the Spam cube into the wildebeast's } mouth...the wildebeast vomits uncontrollably onto this pressure plate, } which switches the battery on and shocks the construction worker with } 50,000 volts. HEY! ARE YOU TRYING TO MOVE THAT "X?" PUT IT BACK! Where } was I...oh yeah. The construction worker gets mad, proceeds to beat the } wildebeast with a ball-peen hammer. The worker's visible butt crack } causes the old lady to scream -- which wakes up Mr. Feinstein next } door, who gets up and shuts the window, which is hooked to a rope that } pulls the "drop" lever on the crane, and then.... } } <*ZOF!*> } } Damn! Another "zof." I don't understand why it's not <*ZOT*>ting. HEY, } SUPPLICANT! DID YOU GIVE THAT CONSTRUCTION WORKER A RUBBER HAMMER? Put } your hard hat back on...I've got to start all over again. } } You owe the Oracle an Anvilanian flag. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 31 Oct 94 11:26:11 -0500
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most midwestern oracle, I am experiencing culture shock. > > i went to a futball game. a funny guy was there. > he told a funny joke. a kid was walking on the sidewalk. > he walked past a driveway. there were some "event staff" > type guys there, and a little golf-cart thing was pulling > into the driveway. the "event staff" guys said "hey, stop" > they said "watch out" the kid was still walking in the driveway. > he didn't hear the "event staff" guys 'cause he was talking to > his friend. the golf-cart thing had to stop real fast. > it almost hit the kid. the kid had a dark complekshun and > curly hair. > > thats when the funny guy told his joke. he said > "hey, el stoppe!" then he laffed. so did the > "event staff" guys. so did some other people walking > there (they weren't really walking, 'cause they > stopped for the golf-cart thing) i think it must > be a funny joke 'cause they all laffed. > > hehehehehe hehehehehe > > HOW DO I GET OUT OF REDNECK HELL????!!!???? > > suplicant@e-i-e-i-o.edu And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } HEY, boy. Yeah, YOU! You talkin' to ME? What the hell you think } I am, the hired help? Didn't your mama teach you to GROVEL when you } speak to the Oracle? Okay, that's better. } } What the hell you want, anyway. Lessee here. Okay, it seems you } got some kind of PROBLEM with guys who play golf? What, you one } of them damn HIPPIES that thinks climbing rocks butt-naked with } your long Goldilocks hair is a *sport*? Now listen, boy, a lot } of people play golf that's a finer American than *you'll* ever be, } like Arnold Palmer and Bob Hope. Or maybe it's the cart's your } problem? What, you think you're a big stud 'cause you're out } jogging past the course in your screaming pink Nike running shorts and } you see some guy that's retired making more money in a WEEK than } you'll see in your LIFE riding up to the tee in a cart and you think } HE'S the weakling? Yeah, bub, and maybe you should try stopping } your swishy jogging butt and challenging that old red-blooded American } MAN to an arm-wrestle and see if he don't grind your knuckles into a } gopher hole faster'n you can scream sexual harrassment to your damn } liberal lawyer. } } Hey, you want to hear a funny joke, I'll tell you a funny joke. } One day this panty-waisted goldilocks pretty-boy liberal was out } rock-climbing in one of them California desert places that they all } go smoke dope all over and then complain about some red-blooded guy } that WORKS for a living because he runs over some damn desert } TORTOISE's toes with his dirt bike. So anyway this goldilocks slips } like the DAMNFOOL that he is and there he is danglin' on his rope } about a hundred feet above the ground. And he's screeching and peeing } in his pants when all of a sudden he hears a voice above him, BIG } voice, and it says, "Let go, my son. Let go, and you will drop into } the hands of God." And the goldilocks says, "No, no, I'm too SCARED, } I'll fall and die." And the voice says, "Let go, child, and you will } drop into the hands of God!" And so the goldilocks closes his eyes } and lets go the rope . . . and he drops down like 50-pound grain } sack and goes SPLATTT all over the rocks. And then the BIG voice } come out of the sky again and says, "Stupid Clinton liberal!" } } So lessee here, what the HELL was your question? Now hang on } there, bub, YOU ain't in a hurry to get anywhere else so's *I* can } see. We gonna have us a LONG chat... } } You owe the Redneck Oracle a dozen GIF's of E-I-E-I-O U cheerleaders } and a case of Jim Beam. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 31 Oct 94 11:26:13 -0500
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm running Windows 3.1, with RPRINTER loaded. As soon as I'm loading > Word for Windows 6.0 the PC hangs. Do I need to change my Config.sys or > my System.ini file. > > [name and address elided by Priest to protect the innocent] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You need to change your operating system. } } Please send a note to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the subject "help." ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 31 Oct 94 11:26:14 -0500
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the name of the longest place in Wales? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Intestines. } } Yes; the intestines are the longest place in whales. As } you probably know (at least you should know if you paid } attention in school,) a human's intestines stretched out is } about 22 feet long. A full size sperm whale's intestines are } about 435 feet long; and contrary to popular belief, you can } NOT survive in a whale's stomach or intestines (not very long } anyway.) } } You owe the Oracle a signed copy of "Moby Dick." ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 31 Oct 94 11:26:16 -0500
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and fabulous Oracle, > > What do you think of the Prince Charles and Princess Diana situation? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Princess and the Jelly Beans } } Once upon a time, or maybe twice, there was a bored prince. Besides } being bored, he was lonely, homely, and beset upon by paparazzi. As you } could imagine, this made him a little irritable from time to time, but } he worked it off through occasional hunting trips and the knowledge } that someday he would be King. } } One day, his mother the Queen called to him. "Chuck," she said, for } that was his name, being short for 'Woodchuck,' "the time is come for } you to settle down." She sent him forth for to find a wife. } } Now in those days it was common for a young man to find a wife by } searching at discos and nightclubs and other places where a woman might } be found drinking or dancing. But such a woman would not be suitable } for a prince. Suffice it to say that the Prince undertook a long and } difficult search and finally brought home a woman whom he proclaimed to } be "fit for a prince." } } The Queen had her doubts. She wanted only the best for her son, as she } needed to ensure that the new princess would never be caught sunbathing } topless or consorting with other men. So she devised a test for the new } Princess-to-be. } } The night before the Princess-to-be was to arrive, the Queen snuck into } the guest room and looked at the bed. Unlike the beds once used for } visiting princesses, this one was a waterbed with a heater set to } precisely 30 degrees Celsius, that being the measuring system at use in } the kingdom for many years. The Queen looked about the room furtively, } then slipped a screwdriver from the sleeve of her gown. It was the work } of a moment to open the thermostat and set the it down to 29 degrees, } while keeping the dial set at 30. She knew that this would be a true } test of a princess. (To be completely truthful, the Queen discovered } that she actually needed a Phillips screwdriver, and so she had to } borrow a Swiss Army Knife from one of the palace guards. But it was } scarcely more than the work of a moment, and the Queen posted the } details to alt.hackers that evening.) } } When, on the following evening, the Princess-to-be retired to the guest } room, the Queen could scarcely contain her glee. She watched as the } Princess-to-be entered the guest room and closed the door behind her. } } What the Queen didn't know was that a spell had been cast upon the } Princess-to-be, causing her body temperature to be precisely 29 degrees } Celsius. This meant that the Princess-to-be did not notice anything } strange about the temperature of the waterbed. But, based upon a rumor } that had been passed on to her by one of the friendlier paparazzi (who } had begun following her around as well) she wished to look under the } mattress in order to see whether there might be, perhaps, something } resting there for her to find. } } Now, the spell that this young woman was under had some strange side } effects. In fact, almost all of its effects were side effects. Besides } affecting her temperature, the spell gave her unusually great strength, } keen vision, an odor reminiscent of a wet groundhog, and (most } importantly) an uncanny desire for men with prominent ears. Due to her } unusually great strength, she was able to easily lift the water-filled } mattress and inspect beneath it. There her keen vision found some old } jelly beans, two popcorn kernels, and (due to a long-ago failed test of } a former Princess-to-be) an exceptionally flat pea. } } "Darn it!" said the Princess-to-be, as she pocketed the jelly beans. "I } was hoping to find some loose change." Despite her disappointment, } though, she got a good night's sleep on the cool waterbed. } } In the morning, the Princess-to-be arose refreshed. Throwing on her } silken dressing gown (for, as she liked to put it, she preferred "to } sleep in the raw") she emerged from the guest room only to see awaiting } her the Queen, the Prince, the entertainer formerly known as Prince, } and the Prince's younger brother (who was something of a rambunctious } lad, but that's another story). Thinking quickly, the Princess-to-be } pulled the jelly beans from the pocket of the robe. "Would any of you } like a jelly bean? I found these under the mattress," she offered. } } Immediately, the Queen realized that, despite the fact that she would } become a chilly Princess, and would no doubt make the whole castle } smell like a wet groundhog with time, she nevertheless would certainly } keep the royal life lively. } } "You have my blessing," said the Queen. } } The wedding followed, and for many years Prince Woodchuck and his } Princess lived within the castle. She bore him two sons, and although } their marriage was not a happy one, the Prince was no longer bored. } And, from time to time he renewed the spell he had once cast upon his } Princess, for although he always found the Princess to be chilly, and } he despised the smell of wet groundhog, he never dared let her lose her } attraction for men with prominent ears. } } You owe the Oracle a spell to attract a princess to a science geek. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 31 Oct 94 11:26:19 -0500
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@hal.cs.uiuc.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When will we be upgraded to 2.0? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You mean you haven't been reading the trade papers? } } After God subcontracted the Millennial operating system to Microsoft, } Bill Gates announced a new OS code named "Ubermensch" that would } remedy the most glaring defects of Humanitas 1.0: mortality, the 7 } Deadly Bugs, inability to multitask or achieve simultaneous orgasm, } and frequent General Protection Faults. } } Microsoft has been plagued by cost overruns, difficulties in making } the new system backwardly compatible with the large installed base } of Cro-Magnon and Paleolithic software still in use, and most } importantly staff defection to the Great Enemy, the Antigates, } Linus Torvalds, whose free Humix system is already running on several } million hackers. Most humiliating of all, billions of ordinary users } are turning to IBM's new release of HumOS/2, which is said to be } even capable of running the wildly popular shareware theology } game "DAMN". } } Ubermensch has been re-named "Humanitas 3001", though Microsoft is } not actually committing to a firm 3001 release date. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 31 Oct 94 11:26:21 -0500
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@tenmail.mincom.oz.au> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will you ever, > Oh great and wonderous > Oracle, > Decipher what I'm, so > Callously, asking for, > Here in this question > Upon your receipt of this > Crazy message, most > Knowledgable Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I, the Oracle } Happily say to you, } as a superior being, } that knows all, and sees all, } everything that there is to know. } Things of the earth, } heavenly things, } even things from hell. } Would you supplicants, who } often annoy me with repetitive question, } over and over, } day in and day out, } Changing nothing, } hassling me, } unrelenting, } causing me stress, } kill the questions about woodchucks! } } You owe the Oracle a wooden chuck wagon. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 31 Oct 94 11:26:23 -0500
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most glorious and pious Oracle! Praise be to you, who's existance > so far excedes that of the puny mortals you see fit to assist! Please, > oh mighty one, hear my question! Grace me with but a small fraction of > your intellect. I beg this of you, oh totally groovey one. > > Why do I wake up every morning with an erection and awful breath? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First off, good grovel. I appreciate someone who themself appreciates } the art. } } Now, as to your questions.... } } Oddly enough, the two are related. You see, you're a sonambulist, } which is a ten dollar word that means you walk in your sleep. But you } don't just walk. Oh no. You are, in fact, a Sleep-Walking Bon Vivant. } You go to bed each night, brushing your teeth and sort of lonely } because of the bitter existence you lead. But as soon as you fall } asleep, your subconsciousness kicks in and you become Mister DeMarque. } } Fully asleep, you get up and open the secret panel. You put on the tux } and expensive cufflinks. You go out to the back alley where you keep } the Porsche you negotiated after your unconscious mind made a killing } on the stock market. You climb in and drive to the hottest spots } in the state, dancing half the night, romancing beautiful women, and } enjoying adventures of erotic and romantic sorts the likes of which } you've never dreamed. Your mystique is enhanced by the expensive } sunglasses you never take off, as taking them off would reveal to } everyone that your eyes are always closed. } } At the end of the night, you eat oysters and caviar with your evening's } conquest, pile into the porsche, and it's back to home. However, } Oysters (as it has been long reported) enhance sexual desire *and* } leave you with a horrid case of clam breath. } } And then you wake up with bad breath and an erection, as well as } stiff legs and a bunch of weird dreams you can't quite remember. } } You owe the Oracle five dollars plus expenses. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 31 Oct 94 11:26:25 -0500
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why,oh worshipful oracle,are nottingham forest not top of the league And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear, dear British supplicant, the answer lies in the strange history } of that place. } } Nottingham Forest is famous, of course, as the home of Robin Hood, one } of the least-understood historical figures in...er...history. } } Hood was an early expert in the medieval torture device "public } relations" (from the latin "pube"--referring to the genitals--and the } middle French "relayte"--to connect. Literally, the term means to kick } (ie. connect with) the groin). Mr. Hood was able to turn a life of } dastardly crimes into a romantic history of benvolence by threat of } physical harm. } } Despite Hood's incredible control of pubelic sentiment, however, there } is a little known physical law that states that all actions--physical } or social--demand an equal and opposite reaction. Nottingham Forest } will not reach the top of the league because a kick in the groin, after } all, is just not cricket. } } You owe the Oracle a big bat and a full-metal jockstrap. ------------------------------ End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #687 ***************************************
---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 03 Nov 94 07:44:21 -0500
To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message). For example:
688
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
683 92 votes 6imzb 5xAh1 avwh2 iyof1 6tCe5 3kxu6 aesqe 47amN adrnj 9ctrf
683 3.1 mean 3.3 2.7 2.7 2.4 2.8 3.2 3.2 4.1 3.3 3.3
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 03 Nov 94 07:44:30 -0500
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most magnificent oracle, whose face outshines the beauty of the > Sistine Chapel, whose intelligence outshines that of Einstein, Hawking, > Newton, and my mother all added up, whose hair management skills are > such that you could even make William Shatner's toupee look good if you > chose to, whose radio always plays 25 hits in a row, whose internet > connection never goes down, please take pity on this humble supplicant, > who never gets mentioned in the Oracularities, who never can get a > date, and who can't get his mind off Barry Manilow's "Mandy", and > answer this simple question: > > Why are George Orwell's "1984", Aldous Huxley's "Brave New World", and > other books of that genre labeled "negative utopias"? I mean, everyone > seems to gosh darn happy in them, except for the occasional malcontent. > What's so negative about that?? > > Thank you for answering this simple query, oh magnificent oracle. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } WARNING! } WARNING! } Supplicant #Qa27074 is questioning authority! } } ---------------------- } BEGIN MESSAGE: } Supplicant #Qa27074- the Oracle is all wise. The Oracle is all } knowing, and all seeing. The Oracle is magnificent and mighty. } } Do not question what the Oracle tells you. } } Be content. } } The Oracle is watching. } } END MESSAGE. } ---------------------- } } You owe the Oracle autographs of John Lennon and Groucho Marx. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 03 Nov 94 07:44:31 -0500
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and omnipotent Oracle, > > Is man the master of his own destiny, or is there a master plan? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course there's a plan! The kids are following it pretty well, too. } I've got a wonderful class. Here's a copy of the instructions: } } READ THROUGH THESE INSTRUCTIONS CAREFULLY BEFORE PROCEEDING. } ALWAYS OBSERVE SAFETY PRECAUTIONS! USE A LAB COAT AND GOGGLES! } } BEFORE THE EXPERIMENT: Prepare a planet with a stable ecosystem and } near-surface hydrocarbons and fissionables. This will the the substrate } for the experiment. } } EXPERIMENT 1 (Effect of Environment on Individuals): Place a small } quantity of monkeys (Grade H or I) on the substrate. Observe their } reaction. How long do the monkeys survive? Try placing them at } different distances from the equator. Place some in an ocean. Put a few } on the pole. Which region is optimal? Does your finding agree with the } data book value for Standard monkeys? Can you explain the difference, } if any? } } EXPERIMENT 2 (Effect of Environment on Species): Place a small } quantity of monkeys in a forest near the equator. What happens? (If } nothing happens for a long time, add some Non-tree-climbing Carnivores } as a catalyst.) Plot the average length of the monkeys' tails as a } function of time. What can be observed? What causes the lengthening? } } EXPERIMENT 3 (Effect of Environment on Species): Put some monkeys on a } savannah. In a short while, you should be able to see a change in the } monkeys. Compare the hind and front legs of a changed monkey. Can the } hind feet still grasp objects? What happens to the tail? What does the } monkey do with its front legs now that they are not used for walking? } Save some of these changed monkeys for the next experiment. } } EXPERIMENT 4 (Emergence of Sentience): NOTE: IF THE MONKEYS DEVELOP } "SPEECH", DISPLAY SIGNS OF "INTELLIGENCE", OR START SMOKING, PLACE THE } EXPERIMENT IN AN ICE BATH TO SLOW THE REACTION. Continue to observe the } bipedal monkeys you synthesized in the previous experiment. ZOT trees } near monkey colonies. Do the monkeys start using fire? ZOT some } mammoths. Did you induce primitive mysticism? Can you get the monkeys } to worship you? (Hint: If they have developed speech, try picking one } as a "prophet" and ZOT a few "unbelievers".) } } EXPERIMENT 5 (Effect of Species on Environment): Continue to observe } the talking monkeys. You should see more complex tool use and the } emergence of technology. Are the monkeys using the near-surface } hydrocarbons you provided? How long will they last? What do you suppose } the monkeys will do when they are running out? Can you observe any } nuclear explosions? Do monkeys get killed by them? Are they accidental? } } After the experiment, dispose of the planet. Note that it may be } radioactive. Wash the solar system and wipe the desk. } } VIDEO DEMONSTRATION (Effect of Individuals on Environment): After } watching the video, describe the mechanism that causes a huge number of } monkeys to follow a single leader, and speculate on their reasoning } behind giving one single monkey the authority to launch thermonuclear } devices to devastate their home planet. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 03 Nov 94 07:44:33 -0500
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@tenmail.mincom.oz.au> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me oh most magnificent oracle, who's field goal accuracy surpasses > that of lots and lots of NFL kickers: > > Why does Lucy always pull the damn ball away from Charlie Brown?? > > Humbly Submitted, > A Supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } She is angry that, while so many in the NFL are making millions } of dollars, she works for peanuts. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 03 Nov 94 07:44:34 -0500
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Question I, Part I > > Can you love more than one person at a time? > > Part II > > Is love "subtractive?" > > Question II > > Aside from the insecurity issue... Why do spouses get upset when > they feel someone (other than themselves) may be cared about by > their spouse? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wow, no grovelling and a question set up as an essay test, as though I } were in class. Am I supposed to show my work? Provide the proofs? } Harumph.... } } But I can answer your question(s), and I shall. } } 1.1 } } Yes, you can love more than one person at a time, but it requires } either ingenuity or special attachments. Check your local True Value } hardware store. } } 1.2 } } Love is not subtractive, but it is divisible and it must be expressed } as an integer. Love is actually a Prime number, divisable only by } itself and one. So, you have to determine what your specific number } is. You can always love one person -- any integer divided by one is } itself (and also an integer) and therefore admittable. It's the other } number that can get sticky. } } The first three prime numbers are two, three and five (one is actually } a prime, but not germane to the discussion). If your personal love } number is two, you can love two people fully and completely, without } emotional distress or back pains. But if you try to love three, the } result is 0.66666667 -- not only *not* an integer but a repeating } fraction. The result is sleepless nights, forgotten anniverseries, and } your spouse coming at you with an ice pick in the middle of the night. } } If your number is three, you can love one person at once or three } people. No in between. If you fall in love with a second person after } your spouse, you'd better start trolling singles bars before you } degenerate into insanity. } } Five is the same but worse. It's hard to find that many open minded } spice (the plural of spouse is spice). } } Just to give you some idea of the problems inherent with the system, } twenty-three is a prime number. Crappy, huh? } } 2.1 } } A spouse gets upset when you start to care for someone else for two } reasons. On is insecurity, but you indicate that you know that. The } other is scheduling conflicts. } } You see, if your spouse has a rough day and needs an evening of } cuddling, it can be rough to come home and discover you're already } booked with your paramour to go to a movie. Or your spouse may be } feeling romantic, only to discover you spent twelve hours in a jacuzzi } with your paramour, and your libido is currently so small it's } theoretical. } } You owe the Oracle extra credit. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 03 Nov 94 07:44:36 -0500
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and Wonderful Oracle. > Oracle whose knowledge spans the entire Universe and then some. > I am nothing more than a humble supplicant with an equally humble > request and I would be most honored if you could spare even a small > fraction of a picosecond to grant me a reply. > > Do you have any good beer recipes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, I've got a very good one right here. } } INGREDIENTS: } } One can of your favorite beer (you may substitute a bottle beer } if you prefer) } Ice } A big mug } } INSTRUCTIONS: } } 1. Put ice in mug. Please complete right before you move to } step two so that ice does not melt. } 2. Open can. If the can has been through a lot lately, you may } want to tap the top of the can to prevent spillage. } 3. Take sip. Make sure beer is to your liking. } 4. Pour beer into mug. Make sure the foam does not spill over } the top. } 5. Give beer to Oracle. } 6. Watch him drink. Just try to enjoy the experience } vicariously. } } You owe the Oracle a question which reads "Do you have any good } Screwdriver recipes?" ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 03 Nov 94 07:44:37 -0500
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What question should I ask to get on a Snapple commercial? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ask not what Snapple can do for you; } But what you can do for Snapple. } } You see, Snapple is just one simple cog in a vast machine whose purpose } it is to turn all of humanity into down-home folksey fruit juice } sippin' simpletons who will bow to every whim of the Parent Company. } It is still unclear who the Parent Company is at this stage of the } game, but it is the intention of T.U.Oracle Inc. to find out, and by } implementing a series of hostile takeover bids, to rob them of their } power and regain control of the Universe. We had hoped that we could } count on Amway for some support in this but it seems that they are the } ones who are currently in control of the Universe and they don't plan } on sharing unless we buy a $120.00 startup kit. } } This is what we know so far: } } Snapple, Jello, Motel 6 and Rent-A-Wreck, reporting directly } to Walmart, make up the front line of this attack. It is their } job to soften the general populace, making them feel that it is } generally a good idea to sit around in a Motel room drinking } fruit flavored iced tea while watching brightly colored cubes } of geletin jiggle about. The common mode of transportation of } course is a 1970's station wagon that is missing one or more of } its fenders and/or doors. This will draw money away from the } main stream of the economy as people lose touch with their basic } materialistic instincts and funnel their excess cash up towards } the Parent Company. } } Once softened, the victims will be further brainwashed into } thinking that all of humanity was created by a giant Chia Pet (The } one that looks like a cat - I still don't understand where they } are headed with the Chia Tree). } } The people behind all this are the very same ones that are backing } Dan Qualye as President. By this time it will be the general } understanding that Dan Quayle was the Love Child of the Chia Cat } and the Chia Dog (even though it is quite obvious that a Chia Dog } and a Chia Cat would have a different chromozome count, the } fruit juice sippin' geletin jigglin' General Public will miss } the connection. } } To counteract this horriffic chain of events, it is imperative that } we return to the practice of buying over priced champagnes, cars } that move way faster than freeway traffic, espresso machines and other } Icons-O-Excess that have begun to fade since the closing of the "ME" } decade. } } As for your desire to have a question read on a Snapple commercial, } here's what you do: } } Go to the nearest Walmart. } } Find a "Greeter" (Not hard - they'll find you). } } Tell the greeter that you'd like to make a $10,000 cash } contribution to the Dan Quayle For President Campaign. } } The greeter will take the cash and assign you your very own } personalised question that will be read on your behalf on the } next available Snapple commercial. } } You owe the Oracle a Quayle For President sign and one of those big } foam hats. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 03 Nov 94 07:44:38 -0500
Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Almighty, and EXTREMLY busy, Oracle - you've been overworking. > You deserve a break today - > Enclosed please find three gift certificates for a Big Mac, Fries and > Shake. > > Sincerely, your friend and mine, > -- Bill Gates And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Bill, } } It seems just like yesterday that we were sitting in your garage } tossing back a few cold ones. I remember saying, "Hey, Bill, all these } newfangled computers they're coming up with are gonna need something to } do." Now you're sitting on top of the biggest cash pile in history and } I'm sitting in the middle of Indiana dealing with guys who haven't seen } the sun in years and keep asking me where they can find the nude gifs } of Marina Sirtis. And now, you send me ten bucks worth of food. Hell, } not even food - I have to go get it myself. You know what, Bill? Try } this on for size: up yours. } } You owe me some ketchup and a nude gif of Patrick Stewart. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 03 Nov 94 07:44:40 -0500
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If the answer was "Princess Diana, in the closet, with half a pound of > strawberry jam and a six-pack of Budweiser", what was the question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I believe that the only question that would recieve that answer would } be: } } What did you do this weekend? } } You owe the Oracle a bar of soap and some tylenol for his headache. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 03 Nov 94 07:44:41 -0500
Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is God? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's find out, shall we: } } oracle 717% finger god@heaven.org } Login name: god In real life: JHVH } Directory: /everywhere Shell: /usr/local/bin/bash } On since Jan 1 00:00:00 on console } Prayers last heard Wed Nov 2 13:07:19 1994 } Project: Man's existence on Earth until Armageddon } Plan: } 1) Reign Supreme over creation } 2) Thwart Lucifer's plans to corrupt man, unless they'll produce better } television } 3) Send weekly scattering of hurricanes, tsunamis, and other of my } Acts } 4) Keep tabs on all falling sparrows } 5) Talk to Dante about book IV of his "Inferno" trilogy } 6) Make sure Jesus isn't late for Second Coming (that boy was nearly } late for his own resurrection!) } 7) Smite Pat Robertson a good one } 8) Expand size of universe to keep astronomers guessing ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 03 Nov 94 07:44:42 -0500
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, mighty oracle, what is the universe extending into since it is > extending? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, paltry supplicant, your assumption is false. The universe } is not extending. It is merely that all things contained in } the universe have decided that they want to leave. } } You owe the Oracle Carl Sagan's head on a platter. ------------------------------ End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #688 ***************************************
---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 13 Nov 94 16:59:14 -0500
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Date: Sun, 13 Nov 94 16:59:20 -0500
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am curled up with one leg under my butt and the other one stuck > under my armpit. My left arm has somehow been stuffed into St. > Amagon's mouth, and he has very long teeth. I am suspended upside > down in a net over a pool of boiling alligators. A dentist has poked > her drill into my left molars and is probably writing her initials > there. I am being force-fed abalone sushi and it is socially > unacceptable to say that it is rather like chewing on my own cheek, > except more highly spiced. I have been stuck on skiis and I am > currently hurtling toward a precipice at something over 800 miles a > second. I am listening to three operas simultaneously, and I can't > understand a single word, and it is socially unacceptable to say > anything bad about it at all. Seven carnivorous howling butterflies > have started to devour my left ear. Fifteen rabid scientific > elephants have decided that my other ear is a suitable repository for > explosive and corrosive vapors, and who the heck is going to say "no" > to fifteen rabid scientific elephants? A Space Pirate has pointed her > ray gun at me and I am being forced to walk the star-plank, which is > no mean feat when I'm curled up with one leg under my but and the > other one stuck under my armpit. How can I get out of this fix? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, oh supplicant, since you are in such dire straits I shall overlook } the lack of manners you have shown by neglecting to grovel properly and } save your worthless hide. } } First: Screw social niceties and say what you think. It'll do a lot } for your morale. Next, Ask St. Amagon the woodchuck question. It'll } annoy him into a roar of rage and frustration, enabling you to get back } the use of ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 13 Nov 94 16:59:21 -0500
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Oracle, > What exactly is a voodoo lounge, anyway? > Do those witch-doctor types hang out there, after a long day of > taking souls and placing curses? > Is Keith Richards really a voodoo priest? > > Just wondering. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There's quite a story behind the Stones' last album. Remember the } Disney film that came out a while back, "Cool Runnings", about the } Jamaican bobsled team? It was actually a heavily reworked version of a } script that had originally been sent to Touchstone, about Haitian } zombies who go to Norway to compete in another winter downhill sport. } "Voodoo Luge" would star Danny Glover and Ellen Cleghorne, with an } original soundtrack by the Rolling Stones. } } Most of the songs on the album you know originally had lyrics relevant } to the film. "Sparks Will Fly" was about a two-zombie run where the } luge flipped off the track and ran into the press box. "Blinded by } Rainbows" was about a young zombie who misses a turn because he's awed } by the beauty of the daytime sky, which he hasn't seen since he was } undead. "The Worst" was a blues song about the team coming in at last } place behind Botswana. The only retitled track, of course, was "Luge } is Strong". } } Eventually Touchstone backed out of the film after major pressure from } the big bosses at Disney, who thought the premise was tasteless and } sent it to the script doctors to rework into a kids' film. The } frantic Stones altered their album's name to the meaningless "Voodoo } Lounge" and rewrote most of the tracks. The only vestige of the } original project was the lycra-and-polypropylene luger's suit that } Charlie Watts could be seen wearing during the first few stops on } the Voodoo Lounge tour, before it caused him to break out in hives. } } You owe the Oracle a Sno-Cone. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 13 Nov 94 16:59:22 -0500
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Selamat pagi tuan Oracle besar. > Apa kabar? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahhhhh, yes. } } Thank-you for the most flattering Selamat, my most chumber manklewig. } I think your besar is ziplier than a farklepop on toastun. } } Anyway, your queznel chamrod is most boinglery. I've kept a mugglewump } stir-fried in the bobler. Take a chaffledup any time you want, and your } pagi-tuan should clear up after a few slapslicks on the old liplegger. } } If not, consult your local dogslur. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 13 Nov 94 16:59:23 -0500
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh gracious oracle who lights the sky with your brilliance, please > answer this question from a grovelling supplicant. > > Why can I not see electricity? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh knave, if you wish to see electricity, stick a fork into an } electrical outlet. The oracle will guarantee that you will see } electricity. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 13 Nov 94 16:59:25 -0500
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the meaning of life? > Thank you! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Excerpts from, "The Meaning of Life" by T.U. Oracle: } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } The ultimate meaning of life is to attain Oracle-hood. Ways to get } there include: } } 1. Imparting your vast knowledge upon lesser beings. Often acheived by } beating them over the head with your stack of dictionaries. } } 2. Gaining a vast knowledge from your superiors. Often attempted by } going to a post-secondary institution. Being beaten over the } head with a dictionary usually has the same results for lower } cost. } } 3. Discovering weird things about the opposite sex. (This is optional } because no one has done that yet.) } } 4. Explaining weird things about the opposite sex. (Even more rare } than #3.) } } 5. Taking a shotgun and shooting every woodchuck in the country. This } will be used to releive stress that you will accumulate once you } have attained Oracle-hood. } ... } } 14. Volunteering as an Oracle's priest. It always helps to learn the } trade by basking in another Oracle's presense. } } 15. Finding new and innovative ways to kill woodchucks. No, placing } them in the same room as lemurs has already been used. And } natural enemies don't seem to work either. } } 16. Code for food. 'nuff said. } ... } } 28. Find yourself a hot girlfriend. Make sure she's kinky in bed. In } some cases, a luke-warm girlfriend will suffice, if all the hot } ones have been taken. Wisdom of the ages will follow. } } 29. Develop a nuclear weapon that only kills woodchucks. } } 30. Write a one thousand page essay on the humour, or lack thereof, in } rec.humor.oracle.d. And make the essay FUNNY. } ... } } 41. Develop a program, written half in assembler, half in ForTran, that } will destroy all supplicants' questions about woodchucks AS IT IS } BEING TYPED. } } 42. And lastly, the ability to entirely misunderstand any supplicant's } question and respond with something entirely unrelated but mostly } humurous helps. } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } You owe the Oracle the name of a blind publisher. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 13 Nov 94 16:59:26 -0500
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most munificent Oracle, with unsurpassed intelligence (surpassed > only by Dan Quayle) and incredible speed of wit (surpassed only by > Richard Nixon, and he's dead). Please answer this question which I > pose for you (it's alright, I know you're slow, so I already figured > out the answer). > > Does Kirk die in "Star Trek: Generations" coming out on Stardate 18 11 > 94, or this just some nasty rumor started by the Romulans? (or the > Klingons, he never could forgive them for the death of his son) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh but you've got a *ZOT* coming. Lucky I'm in a good mood. I } distinctly told Dan NOT to mention Murphy Brown. Did he listen?! } } Anyawy, you simply misheard the rumor, which is true. Kirk does } not "die" but he does "dye." You'll notice his hair is } mysteriously darker than in the previous movie. Yes, he also has } the film airbrushed again to shrink his... cargo hold. } } You owe the Oracle a VERY good grovel, you owe William Shatner a } bottle of "Just For Men", and you owe Dan Quayle a spell chekkir. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 13 Nov 94 16:59:27 -0500
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This won't take long. You won't feel a thing... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Probably something your girlfriend is used to hearing. } } You owe the Oracle a woodchuck question. I've only had 42 of them } today. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 13 Nov 94 16:59:28 -0500
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle: > > By way of introduction, I am a professor of physics at Stanford > University. During my vacation in Hawaii, I decided to take a 3-hour > whale-watching tour. A sudden squall appeared, blowing us rather > severely off course, and we have found ourselves stranded on an > uncharted island. > > I have six companions in this crisis: the brave but ineffectual ship's > captain, his bumbling mate, a campy harlot who claims to star in 'cult' > films, a naive midwestern farmgirl, an arrogant snob who made a fortune > in oil, and his self-absorbed wife. > > While poking around the island's lagoon, I found a transmission line > with an Ethernet transciever on the end. Using coconut silk and some > fire coral, I was able to fashion a primitive PowerBook. The mail > utility works fine, although I seem to be unable to get Mosaic running. > > What should I do now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Whatever you do, don't e-mail for help. There's a fortune to be } made! Create a video of your adventures, and divide the resulting } binary into 64K chunks; we'll recombine them until you get Mosaic. } } When the show is over, you can switch to regional theater and shopping } center appearances. } } Since you owe the Oracle: please pass my regards on to Maynard G. } Krebs. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 13 Nov 94 16:59:30 -0500
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Last year, Science Olympiad was held in Arizona, which lacks daylight > savings time. This year, it will be held in your state of Indiana, > which is similarly lacking. What do _they_ have against daylight > savings time? I don't see anything subversive about it. Uh-oh, > _they_'re after me again--gotta go! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Daylight savings, supplicant, is not the stuff of science. It is } strictly for the esoteric intellectual poets. Any good physicist knows } you can't 'save' daylight...it disobeys the principal of 'conservation } of mass'. The entire concept of daylight savings time is like trying to } make yourself taller by cutting off your head and standing on it. } } I often find these zen philosophers have a far different concept of } light than we more rigourous thinkers. I once asked my friend Immanuel } Kant if he wanted to go out for pizza with me. He responded 'No, } Thanks, I'm eating light.' Wow, heavy. I don't get it. Must be one } of those things like 'what's the color of a sigh'. } } You owe the Oracle a changed light bulb. You may request the } assistance of as many people like you as required. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 13 Nov 94 16:59:31 -0500
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me > O great being whose blemishes I am not worthy to > irritate, whose odours I am not enough to be repulse by, whose verbal > aftermath of spittle I am unfit to dodge.............. > > What's the point of anything? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The sharp bit at the end. } } You owe the Usenet Oracle a picture of a porpoise. ------------------------------ End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #690 ***************************************
Jesper Nilsson // dat92jni@ludat.lth.se or jesper@df.lth.se